Review: New Beginnings (Vitalis)


Dung Beetle

One dung Beetle
(1 out of 4 rating)

I chose this story because in its marketing blurb there is talk of space pirates, and there are also some vague statements which, to me, implied the heroine might have a past as a secret agent. There was absolutely nothing to warn me that I would soon be reading about genitalia. There weren’t even any euphemisms such as “romance” or “love” to give me warning. Sure, there’s a girl on the cover of the book, who might be wearing a sports bra, but she’s holding an assault rifle in front of herself, and there’s an explosion in the background, so I figured this was just to appeal to teenage boys.

The Spoiler Dragon

In the first chapter of the story, the heroine ogles a male character in the spaceship’s locker room. I’m a dude, and I don’t think I would enjoy reading about a male character ogling a woman in a locker room; I definitely didn’t enjoy it the other way around. Where are my space pirates? I’m reading about the hydraulic states of a man’s reproductive organ.

In chapter two, there’s an actual sex scene. Now I’m reading mostly about male body parts, with a few female body parts thrown in. Still no space pirates. By the end of chapter two, all I’ve learned is that one male crew member has a large anatomical part. As any good space marine would do, I clutch my plasma rifle to my chest and scream “I didn’t sign up for this, man!”

At this point, I just quit reading the story. Is it wrong of me to write a review of something I didn’t finish reading? Possibly. Is it wrong for an author to advertise a space pirate story, and then fill it with penis descriptions? Absolutely.


  1. fromcouchtomoon · · Reply

    Sounds terrible. I don’t blame you for quitting.

  2. Defending the world from bad sci-fi, eh? I almost womder whether I should be worried that you followed me. 😉

    1. I was wondering if I should be worried too!

      1. Anyone I attack might be in good company. Later this month, I intend to launch an assault against one of the planet’s most beloved authors.

        1. Ooo… I can’t wait to read that!

          1. I’m handing out the desert camouflage to my forces now, the assault should begin in about a week.

    2. I’ll try to keep the dung beetles in their pens.

  3. […] by Design – horrible writing – silly premise – unlikely plot coincidence New Beginnings (Vitalis) – knock knock. who’s there? penis! The Is Shop – pointlessly random – no logic to […]

  4. […] New Beginnings (Vitalis) has won the first Radioactive Dung Beetle Award! […]

  5. […] story’s blurb prepared me for the ugly things I read. For another example of this, see “where are my space pirates?” in one of my earliest […]

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